It’s taking too long.
It’s taking way too effing long.
I’ve never been big on patience, but now it’s really wearing thin, what with me imagining every single thing I can do with a 2nd generation iPod Touch.
I know, I know.
It takes time.
It takes a lot of time.
It’s taking too much time, if you ask me.
Lord, just hand to me soon will You?
not boyfriend material
Just in case I wasn’t clear enough the first time: vampires eat people.
They do.
They get you into some sort of trance, tilt your head back and suck the life out of your pathetic body. End of story.
I find it incredibly weird that a novel about a pretty boy vampire and his love/prey has garnered so much attention from around the world. Why, world, why? Why would anyone want to read a hackneyed love story about some fanged dude who — for some “romantic” reason — has the will power not to eat his mortal girlfriend?
I underestimated the power of shrieking teenage girls, of course.
In any case, do remember that high-pitched high school girls are not always the best literary critics around, so be kind.
The first time I got wind of Twilight I was browsing MSN at work. Some poor MSN writer had the gall to diss the novel and its characters, resulting in a massive avalanche of nasty comments from rabid high school girls and their equally unhinged mothers.
Twilight, according to its most devoted followers, is a beautiful love story, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a sad, pathetic loser (or ripped to shreds, depending on their hormonal mood swings).
Frankly, I did take the time to read through the novel, only I couldn’t get past a chapter without blood dripping out of my nose. Cloying would be insufficient an adjective to describe the ghastly sweetness of this juvenile crap. I must thank the Lord that all I had was the e-book, otherwise my entire desk would’ve been flooded with sticky, sugary adolescent drivel.
I don’t think there’s enough space on the interweb to detail every single thing I found ridiculous in this novel, so I’ll just go with two points.
First of all, the story is pretty much a rehash of old romance novels. The heroine is a pretty, unassuming girl — perfect, except she’s incapable of walking two steps without falling down a flight of stairs. She’s always diligent and kind, cleaning around the house and cooking meals for everyone. Think Martha Stewart, but minus the jail time and wrinkles. And bitchiness.
So the heroine is perfect and intelligent and independent and strong, but she does require constant rescuing from a variety of admirers. It’s the same goddamn song-and-dance every single time. Strong, “independent” girl still needs a man to keep her alive. Yay feminism!
More importantly, and I’m returning to my opening argument, how can vampires not eat people? Now I’m not an expert on vampires, but I as far as I’m concerned, vampires don’t really have a lot of food options. They’ve got a single food group to choose from.
Celery sticks? I don’t think so.
Twilight presents what I like to think of as the sissy vampire, prone to cheesy moping and pointless brooding. Rather than eat you up, the sissy vampire spends his time looking mysterious and reading emo poems. He’ll never suck your blood; he’ll just bore you to death with all the “I’m an immortal and I have to eat people, boohoo” crap.
And if you really think about it, Edward’s being a real pedophile, hooking up with a teenage girl when he’s actually older than Hugh Hefner. Creepy now, don’t you think?
There’s only one acceptable vampire relationship in my book, and it’s a bromance between two extremely beautiful vampires who share an apartment and adopt a tiny, vampire child-bitch.
Now that’s love.
What do you get when you cross a Northerner with a Filipina?
Trouble, apparently, if the resulting furor over the Harry and Paul sketch is to be believed.
Again our people are up in arms over a slight. It’s not the first time that we’ve gone crazy over some misrepresentation or unflattering portrayal. Biscuits, dictionary definitions and throwaway punch lines from heavily Botoxed has-beens — any of these can send us into a national tizzy.
It’s not that we shouldn’t be indignant when faced with outright insults; we have all the right in the world to demand a motherfucking apology when some other country thinks they can just kick us down and laugh. The thing, though, is that almost anything relatively not positive can get our collective panties in a tight bunch. Anything.
I’ve seen the sketch. It’s not funny (or maybe I don’t know enough about Brits to understand the joke), but I say in all honesty that I do not feel insulted. That’s just my personal opinion.
A gyrating Pinay — tell me I haven’t seen that in some Pinoy comedy before. An ugly Filipina girl doing her best to get violated by some hot guy? Oh, is that not so Zorayda or Pokwang?
We’re only angry because it’s some other nationality on the other side of the sketch.
I’m all for women’s rights, and yes, any form of sexual abuse or harassment is not funny. It’s just that we get this shit from our own television screens every single day and no one sounds a beep.
And we’re being a tad hypocritical, don’t you think?
We’re just as nasty when it comes to portraying foreigners. I’m pretty sure a rather unflattering and tacky portrayal of the numerous Koreans crawling all over our 7000+ islands is in the offing. I dare you to deny that our films and television shows have ever presented insulting and degrading portrayals of our nationalities.
If China or Japan sued us over every single insulting portrayal of their kind on Philippine celluloid, we’d drown in demand letters.
And we’re always so … dramatic. I’ve always said that everything about this country is showbiz. You want a negotiator? Get Robin Padilla. The Abu Sayyaf will talk to you if you get the one Muslim action star in the country to sit across them. Everything is about melodrama — all that emotional hand-wringing and forehead-scrunching is pretty much second nature to the people of this country.
One congressman or woman decides that this particular issue is going to get his mug on the front pages and there you go. I thought we had every right to kick NBC’s ass after that Desperate Housewives insult; our medical community in the United States had every right to be angry. Unfortunately, it turned into a gruesome “they always bully us” refrain that made no sense and muddled the issue completely.
Dignified countries send their ambassadors to sort out the mess. Bulging veins and tear-stained faces have no place in international negotiations. We want those motherfuckers to say sorry? We find a way to bring them to their knees.
I’m no expert, but I’m sure lame protests and burning stuff won’t cut it.
The Harry and Paul sketch is tasteless and not funny. Let’s just say I’ve seen better and funnier from Fry and Laurie, as well as the eternally beloved Mr. Bean. That said, I don’t see it as a racial issue. It’s an unfortunate decision on the show’s part to choose a Filipina domestic helper.
They should’ve chosen someone from a less pikon country.
I recently woke up to some nameless congresswoman screaming and flailing her arms. Certainly not the best sight to wake up to, especially when you have nothing but contempt and disgust for the people who populate the country’s legislative department.
But it’s not often that you find our congressmen and women all worked up over their legislative duties. Most of the time, Batasan looks no different from kindergarten nap time. Sucks doesn’t it? It sucks even harder when you realize that they’ve got our country’s future by the balls.
Anyway.
Yes, that nameless congresswoman did seem overly excited for a … well … congresswoman. She was screaming so loudly I thought her jugular would pop out and make a run for the hills. If I were king of the congressmen I would’ve had her bodily carried out by security. And bopped on the head every few seconds for good measure.
Can’t let these threats to national security have it too easy now, right?
Right?
catholic contraceptive plan: stop fucking
But that’s not the point. I’ve been rambling for far too long I almost forgot what I was supposed to rant about. Ah yes, the Reproductive Bill. It’s precisely the bill that got the congresswoman all fired up and mowing through everything like some raging bull. I like to think she’s a bull, given her bulk.
I still can’t figure out why something as obvious and common sense as approving the Reproductive Bill has to be such a drama moment for our legislators. Again, darlings, let’s go over the basics of economics. Resources are finite. The population is growing by leaps and bounds. Soon we will have too much people, fighting over a limited amount of resources.
Tell me that isn’t a sign of the apocalyptic future, Sarah Connor.
But then the Church is adamant that NO, we can’t have the Reproductive Bill approved. The hell it shouldn’t. When Jesus said go forth and multiply, He really should’ve qualified his statement. Now we’re growing exponentially and there’s not enough resources to go around. What now, Jesus?
I haven’t seen any member of the Catholic Church produce gazillions of bread and fish, so I guess that miracle’s out of the question.
The use of contraceptives isn’t abortion, unless you think preventing a sperm cell from impregnating an egg cell is tantamount to baby murder. Do sperm cells look like babies to you? Except for resembling a tadpole (which is a baby frog, to those who forgot their biology), I don’t think so. And I don’t think the Church cares about the life and death of tadpoles, either. Heartless sons of bitches.
So what now? Almost all of our congress people are completely chicken when it comes to the Church. Excommunication isn’t the big deal these days, it’s not getting enough votes.
But let’s see now. With nothing but abstinence to fall back on (and we all know how successful that can be), our beloved people have gone on to produce baby after baby after baby. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if they could independently feed their thirteen children. The thing is they can’t.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where your taxes go.
You think the Catholic Church springs for these kids’ matriculation? Nuh-uh. Only dolts like us get to act like good Christians and pay for these children with our taxes.
It really won’t take a genius to figure out that we might as well flush the Reproductive Bill down the drain now. It will never come to fruition, as long as devout zombies Christians willingly go along with the Church’s hare-brained schemes.
We might as well give up now and accept the reality that this country will soon be run by babies. Yes, babies. Sounds like a good formula for an Eddie Murphy movie, except it’s our GDP and pretty much everything we have at stake.
If you’ve been thinking of setting up a separate Philippines in Mars, you know, now might be a great time.
In a nutshell: I just got home, Ely had a heart attack, it was the most spectacular show I have ever seen in my entire life.
I can’t really say much right now.
At first I was pissed when I saw that even in the patron section I would not have an opportunity to touch Ely’s feet. The crowd was pushing, I stood next to an asshole who had no idea who Marcus was and it was just … smelly. All over the place.
But when the show started, everything was just worth it. I screamed myself hoarse, sang along with every song and laughed at Ely’s sparse banter.
I sort of almost fainted, too, thanks to the heat and hunger.
The pain, however, was nothing compared to the shock I felt when I heard that Ely had been rushed to the hospital because of a heart attack.
I do hope Ely gets better soon, and that the band gets to perform together again. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I doubt I will ever again.
Pinoy rock at its finest. “Blew my mind” would be an understatement.
Get better, Ely. I seriously love you. <3
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On a much more annoying note, I realized that a lot of those who came to the concert were not fans. I’m not being sanctimonious and judgmental here. I actually have proof, man. Here’s a sample of some conversations I overheard:
Asshole 1: Uy si Marcus
Asshole 2: Sinong Marcus?
(Asshole 2 had no clue the entire time. He didn’t know any of the songs and he kept screaming Super Proxy. Plus he called Jay of Kamikazee a one-hit wonder. Weird.)
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Girl 1: Sino yung long hair?
Girl 2: Si Marcus ata.
Girl 1: Si Marcus ba yon? Bakit parang pumangit?
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Lastly, after the announcement that Ely had been rushed to the hospital and the concert was being cut short:
Some guy: Hahaha, bukas patay na si Ely.
Some girl: Aaay, ang mahal pa ng pamasahe ko para pumunta dito.
Some other girl: Wala nang refund?
Real fans would’ve doubled over in tears, like we did.
Women, please.
We’ve been through this discussion several times before. You want equality and fairness, right? So why do you still expect men to give you special treatment just because you have two X chromosomes?
Seriously, women have been working to achieve equality with men for years. That’s exactly the reason why I can’t understand how women can ask for equality and still bitch when men forget to open doors for them. No, dear, you can’t ask for equal status then turn around and demand to be treated like a queen. If we say we can do anything men can do, I suppose you don’t need a man to walk on the “dangerous” side of the road for you.
If you can’t even handle crossing the street, then I suggest you stay away from any issues demanding social equality.
Just tonight I realized how society can be quite unfair … to men. I know, I know. It’s always the girls who get the raw end of the deal, and I do agree that a lot of misogynists still exist in this world. Still, I don’t think people realize how women can be catty, illogical and manipulative bitches.
Yes, bitches.
How do I know? I finished high school.
Anyway, back to my story. Yes. Tonight while waiting in line at the MRT station, a bunch of 50-ish women tried to bully their way in. We’ve been standing in line for more than thirty minutes and the gate was finally visible. Now these women have the gall to step in and just act like divas?
Oh hell no.
One guy, though, had the courage to do something most men would rather not do in public: quarrel with a woman. Especially a fifty-ish woman.
But of course he had the right to do so. The woman was in the wrong, obviously, and yet she acted like it was her divine right and people should simply give way. A shouting match ensued, with the woman throwing such memorable lines as:
“hindi ka na nahiya, kalalake mong tao”
“parang nanay mo na ako ah”
“matuto kang rumespeto sa nakakatanda”
I suppose I do not have to tell you that none of these arguments will fly in a court of law, much less a battle of logic. Non-sequitur, all of them. The guy stood his ground and refused to let the women jump queue. Now here’s the thing that really got me: other people did.
I actually took off my earphones to hear everything clearer. People were actually accosting the guy, questioning his sexual preferences just because he had the gall to enter into a shouting match with a woman.
Gender is so not the issue here, kids. It’s about whose right and whose wrong. Unfortunately, people kept harping on the fact that men should never take on women in a quarrel, and only gay dudes would do so. Now I don’t know what gay dudes have to do with this, but if a woman is wrong, by all means, whoop her ass (in the same way that errant men get to have their asses kicked).
Here’s the logic of things for all you ladies out there. When you say men should not quarrel with you because you’re female, you’re acknowledging that women are weak and will not be able to hold their own in a standoff. As such, you’re actually weakening the argument that men and women are equal.
Equality means you don’t get to have guys give up their seats for you anymore. It means you can’t expect them to carry your heavy luggage. If they want to, sure, thank them. It’s kindness on their part, as equality doesn’t really require them to treat women like precious china anymore.
There’s love and respect for all human beings, but don’t think you can get away with things just because you’re a woman. That’s equality.
Capische?
Poor guy. He did get a few shots in, though. When the woman screamed that he had no respect for her (given her age and gender), he shot back angrily, “oo, ang tanda-tanda mo na nga eh,ganyan ka pa. Matuto ka munang rumespeto”.
Nice.
