not boyfriend material
Just in case I wasn’t clear enough the first time: vampires eat people.
They do.
They get you into some sort of trance, tilt your head back and suck the life out of your pathetic body. End of story.
I find it incredibly weird that a novel about a pretty boy vampire and his love/prey has garnered so much attention from around the world. Why, world, why? Why would anyone want to read a hackneyed love story about some fanged dude who — for some “romantic” reason — has the will power not to eat his mortal girlfriend?
I underestimated the power of shrieking teenage girls, of course.
In any case, do remember that high-pitched high school girls are not always the best literary critics around, so be kind.
The first time I got wind of Twilight I was browsing MSN at work. Some poor MSN writer had the gall to diss the novel and its characters, resulting in a massive avalanche of nasty comments from rabid high school girls and their equally unhinged mothers.
Twilight, according to its most devoted followers, is a beautiful love story, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a sad, pathetic loser (or ripped to shreds, depending on their hormonal mood swings).
Frankly, I did take the time to read through the novel, only I couldn’t get past a chapter without blood dripping out of my nose. Cloying would be insufficient an adjective to describe the ghastly sweetness of this juvenile crap. I must thank the Lord that all I had was the e-book, otherwise my entire desk would’ve been flooded with sticky, sugary adolescent drivel.
I don’t think there’s enough space on the interweb to detail every single thing I found ridiculous in this novel, so I’ll just go with two points.
First of all, the story is pretty much a rehash of old romance novels. The heroine is a pretty, unassuming girl — perfect, except she’s incapable of walking two steps without falling down a flight of stairs. She’s always diligent and kind, cleaning around the house and cooking meals for everyone. Think Martha Stewart, but minus the jail time and wrinkles. And bitchiness.
So the heroine is perfect and intelligent and independent and strong, but she does require constant rescuing from a variety of admirers. It’s the same goddamn song-and-dance every single time. Strong, “independent” girl still needs a man to keep her alive. Yay feminism!
More importantly, and I’m returning to my opening argument, how can vampires not eat people? Now I’m not an expert on vampires, but I as far as I’m concerned, vampires don’t really have a lot of food options. They’ve got a single food group to choose from.
Celery sticks? I don’t think so.
Twilight presents what I like to think of as the sissy vampire, prone to cheesy moping and pointless brooding. Rather than eat you up, the sissy vampire spends his time looking mysterious and reading emo poems. He’ll never suck your blood; he’ll just bore you to death with all the “I’m an immortal and I have to eat people, boohoo” crap.
And if you really think about it, Edward’s being a real pedophile, hooking up with a teenage girl when he’s actually older than Hugh Hefner. Creepy now, don’t you think?
There’s only one acceptable vampire relationship in my book, and it’s a bromance between two extremely beautiful vampires who share an apartment and adopt a tiny, vampire child-bitch.
Now that’s love.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I do love you for posting this haha.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
And if you really think about it, Edward’s being a real pedophile, hooking up with a teenage girl when he’s actually older than Hugh Hefner. Creepy now, don’t you think?
It did cross my mind wahahaha!
November 7th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
@kat - LOL! My sister hates it, especially since it claims to be the next HP.
November 8th, 2008 at 7:39 am
November 9th, 2008 at 1:08 am
No way twilight series is ever going to compare to HP. it lacks its depth to begin with, plus, its American. HP’s Brit and more.
Im not a fan of romance novels, esp. ones that are ridiculous. not a fan of vampires either.
I never really knew what is it in Meyer’s books that bothered me besides the fact that everyone in school is carrying one, and some claim it as their favorite book. Reading is pop now, but look at what they read? tsk tsk.
My hatred now has sense to it. thanks.
oh and what’s the vampire book you last mentioned, sounds interesting. and Do you know David Lynch btw?
November 9th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
@pavliuts - That’s Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice. David Lynch = Eraserhead (movie). Why do you ask?
November 9th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
the vampire thing kinda reminded me of eraserhead, don’t know why.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Thank you so much for posting this. I never got a around to ranting about Twilight. I tried to give it a chance, really I did. My cousins were raving about it so I was like, what the hell. I made it halfway through the novel before giving up - it was either that or my sanity.
More than the unrelenting emoliciousness, it was the ‘dazzling’ part that got to me. A vampire that SPARKLES?
PS: I started reading the Vampire Chronicles at 12 years old and spent my entire high school life obsessed with Lestat. You are so right about their (homoerotic) bromance.
November 10th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
@Kris - Exactly! Sparkling in the sunlight?! That’s so weird and gay.
After reading Interview with a Vampire, I felt that Lestat was completely evil but at the same time irresistible. *drool* hehehe
November 15th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
ngayon lang ako ulit napadpad dito and i have to say i agree with what you said (everything). we never talked about it but i tried reading the book (i really did) because of the buzz it created but unfortunately i find it too shallow (and sometimes gay esp that sparkling thing).
i first heard about it (and saw it) months ago when i was in Powerbooks, i think it was just released and the books (series) had their own section in the middle of the store. i picked it up and read a few chapters but all i could think of while reading was sun valley high books. i’m not an avid HP fan but i find it really unfair to label Twilight as the next HP, saw it on the movie poster earlier and i can’t help but lour.
i’m not sure but i think someone from our group likes it
November 15th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
@baboyita - serious?? sino? hahaha. BTW, I think you mean Sweet Valley
November 17th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
meron. bulong ko sayo bukas.
hahaha! sun valley pala sinulat ko. pasensya, high na naman ako. hahaha! sweet valley nga ang ibig kong sabihin
November 24th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
linked to this reply is a post in my blog.
I must say, great minds think alike
I love how some Twilight fans react with a “You’re just jealous” or “It’s a free country I can like whatever I want!” argument when they encounter criticism like this.
Love this.
November 26th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
it really has nothing to do whether it was written by a Brit or American, it’s just the storyline is just too common.
maybe it just got big through the media just like BackStreetBoys and NSync.
November 26th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I am using your iPod touch right now.haha twilight is the epitome of kabaduyan.